Recap of 2005

Just like last year, I thought I would briefly share some of the highlights of the past year with a post chock full of links to some of my past features. Consider it the Internet’s method of re-gifting. Enjoy!

  • The first big event of 2005 (February 2nd, to be exact) was the celebration of the one-year anniversary of Internet Zillionaire. We proudly toasted this moment, as our website was surprisingly able to survive past the average lifespan of a housefly or goldfish. And we’re still going! Some people may not measure their website’s success against the lifespan of simple organisms, but we do. In a few months, we’ll be surpassing the field mouse threshold, and that’s when the champagne corks will really fly.
  • I spent most of the spring meticulously documenting my thoughts on remote controls. I wrote three massive posts on this topic, and still haven’t beaten the subject to death to my satisfaction. Apparently, I somehow morphed into George Lucas while writing these. At this point, I don’t know where it will end. There could be some prequels to my trilogy of remote control posts. I might interject Jar Jar Binks into a post about my VCR remote. Frankly, anything is possible.
  • While we’re on the topic, May brought the final installment of the Star Wars movies, meaning millions of nerds across the galaxy suddenly had a little less to live for. Of course, that doesn’t mean we can’t still debate the nuances of the trilogies to the annoyance and boredom of those around us.

    One final note on Episode III: I think Anakin Skywalker re-defined the expression “being left for dead.” When you sever all the arms and legs off your enemy, and leave his writhing torso engulfed in flames on a remote part of a planet made of lava…well that, my friends, is leaving someone for dead. Of course, we all know how that worked out. But the point is, no longer will I settle for merely running over someone with my truck and passing that off as “leaving them for dead.” The bar has been raised considerably.

  • In June, my wife and I celebrated our one-year wedding anniversary. I’ll use this opportunity to thank her for being so supportive of my writing, because without her, I would be severely hurting for material. I’m truly lucky to have a wife that doesn’t mind being the subject of a post comparing marriage to joining a monastery. And yes, these glowing compliments are a desperate attempt to score an Xbox 360 from her for Christmas.
  • My wife and I did some traveling over the summer, here are a few highlights:

    Boston: We toured the whole city, but I particularly enjoyed visiting Harvard and MIT, which really put into perspective what a real college is all about. I must say, it was refreshing just to stroll through a campus where half the students weren’t majoring in “Leisure Services” (apologies to Krusty.) And in some random polling I conducted, students actually knew where the “library” was, without me having to elaborate by referring to it as the “big building with lots of books.”

    Superior, Montana: As the name suggests, this town is much better than its sister city, Inferior, Montana. We stayed in Superior as part of an annual river-rafting trip. Montana is the last great frontier, a place where you can drive without speed limits or seatbelts and unabashedly drink from an open container. They even have drive-thru windows that serve alcohol. You don’t even have to get out of your car for a beer! In other words, the entire state is like a reckless driving fantasy camp.

    Now, compare that to my drive back to Washington. Suddenly, I have to keep it under 70, and wear a seatbelt, and get rid of my open beer. And the strongest beverage I can get via drive-thru is espresso. Needless to say, the state flower in Washington is the pansy.

    Las Vegas: Truthfully, Las Vegas was our third choice. After Hurricane-Fest 2005 destroyed our attempts at a Caribbean cruise, we opted for Vegas. The highlight of the trip: My wife and I attended a topless variety show together at the Sahara. We both thought the show was excellent, but for different reasons.

  • September brought news of a fetus in my wife’s oven. Naturally, an event like this inspired a series of posts, ranging from an innuendo-laced account of how the child was conceived to my fatherhood anxiety . I’m still coping with all of this, but as long as I don’t end up wearing a fake man-breast like Robert DeNiro in “Meet the Fockers,” I’ll be alright.
  • On November 10th, we officially joined the 9Rules network. This was nice recognition for Internet Zillionaire, as 9Rules prides itself on only featuring quality sites. Clearly, our inclusion in the network is jeopardizing that legacy.
  • Finally, I thought I would share something of interest pertaining to Internet Zillionaire. If you’re curious what our top post for the year was (in terms of hits), click here.

    The sad thing is, it’s not even a horse race. That’s our most widely read post by far.
    The Captive Lion summed it up perfectly: “The Internet is so lowbrow.”

As you can see it’s been quite a year. And the year will conclude the same as last year, with dozens of Zillionaires descending on my mansion to toast the New Year and each other. For those that I won’t see this holiday season, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year…

A Christmas Wish

As you know, I have been the beneficiary of multiple Christmas miracles over the years. Whenever my happiness and physical well being depended on finding a certain toy under the tree on Christmas morning, somehow Santa always delivered.

But this year, I’m a little concerned. The item I desire most this Christmas, the Xbox 360, is impossible to find in the stores. Somewhere in all the excitement of the most important product launch in the company’s history, Microsoft forgot to actually manufacture any consoles. Apparently nobody bothered to schedule that in Outlook. Sadly, a few pop-up reminders might have averted this whole mess. Seriously, can you imagine if Microsoft planned a New Year’s Eve party? There would be a total of four beers for every thousand guests.

Memo to Microsoft: You call this taking over the world!? Pathetic. My little sister could do a better job of world domination.

Maybe if Bill Gates wasn’t spending all his time getting bad haircuts and eradicating polio this wouldn’t happen. (On a side note, I seriously think Bill Gates goes into Great Clips and asks the stylist to make him look like Harry Potter.) Anyway, even if Microsoft were to get their act together, there is probably little that could be done at this point. It’s not like the Xbox 360 is produced in sweatshops… so that ruins any hopes of them pumping out a million units overnight. Yep, we’re all screwed.

And that goes doubly for me. Getting an Xbox 360 under the tree falls on my wife’s shoulders. You’ll understand my concern once you read my interpretation of what goes through her mind on a typical Christmas shopping trip. (I changed the font style accordingly, as women tend to think in italics…)

She wanders into the GAP. Mens’ collared shirts are on sale! And look, there’s a blue-checkered one in his size! I’ll buy him one of those. And look, matching scarves too! Perfect! He’ll look every bit as emasculated as the mannequin in the store!

Next, she heads to a department store. Here’s a good gift, some nice coasters! Granted, we’ve already got some coasters. But maybe if I get him his own set, he’ll be more mindful of actually using them! I should have thought of this when we first moved in together!

Here’s the big Christmas surprise: I already decided to surprise my husband with some ballroom dancing lessons! And coincidentally, all the lessons occur during Gonzaga basketball games or during the likely playoff schedule of the Seahawks. Of course, he balked at this idea earlier, but I’m getting it for him anyway. That’s the surprise!

At this point, my wife pulls my Christmas list from her purse, seemingly to insure that she didn’t accidentally purchase something I actually want:

Carhardt Jacket
Laptop Computer
Bombay Sapphire (That’s right, I put alcohol on my Christmas list. And I don’t care if Jeff Foxworthy would say that doing so might make me a Redneck.)
Dilbert Calendar
Xbox 360

Wait, what’s this? An Xbox 360? Yeah, right. That’s like, twice the cost of ballroom dancing lessons! And there’s no way I’m getting him both!

Finally, ladies… Does this shopping scenario sound familiar? I have a feeling it does. There’s still time to do the right thing. Remember, it’s the season of giving. Give your man what he really wants, not what you want him to have… Put a 360 under the tree.

Well guys, I did my part. And I hope my wife picked up on the many subtle messages I left in this post. My fingers are crossed for yet another Christmas miracle.

Fatherhood Anxiety

As you know, my wife and I are expecting our first baby. (Our fetus is about three months along now, and we still don’t know the sex.) Anyway, while there is much attention given to my wife’s condition, nobody really pauses to think about the stresses and anxiety new fathers are going through during this process. For instance, there was very little discussion on how to protect my safety during childbirth. Here’s a partial list of some of the other prospective fatherhood issues that I’m already coping with…

Changing Diapers: Generally, someone crapping their pants is funny to me. Of course, this is lessened somewhat when I’m responsible for cleaning it up. Right now, a very small portion of my life is devoted to cleaning up poo. I have a feeling that this activity will soon constitute the bulk of my day.

The Gender: I’m hoping for a boy. It’s nothing against girls… I’m just convinced I’ll be a more involved father with a son. Seriously, am I realistically going to participate in tea parties? Let’s be honest here, it’s doubtful.

And I’ll probably even avoid doing the activities we are supposed to enjoy together, like “Take Your Daughter to Work Day.” Simply put, I wouldn’t want to inflict that on my little girl. She’d probably lose all respect for her father, and seeing the daily routine in my cubicle wouldn’t inspire anyone to join the workforce anyway.

The Overpacking Quandary: Generally, the rule in our household is as follows: Everyone must pull their own weight. It doesn’t matter if you happen to be pregnant or happen to be an infant. You’ve got to step up and assume some responsibility around here. Normally, this is a good rule to live by. As a father, it’s my job to teach the family about accountability.

However, I already know that this policy won’t be adhered to. While my wife’s overpacking has been well documented on this site, I have a feeling the baby will be even worse. To compound the problem, when it comes to actually carrying one’s own gear, I’m pretty sure the baby will be the weakest link in our household.

Here’s where it gets interesting. Let’s say we’re going on a weekend trip, where we’re already bringing toys, a crib, clothes, diapers, and practically every other baby-related accessory in our possession. We’re only going to be gone for two days… and the car is already full. Do I also throw in the little swinging chair that will instantly put the baby to sleep? Or do I leave it behind and deal with a crying baby that won’t go to sleep all weekend?

So what do I do? Where do I draw the line? How much baby gear am I capable of hauling around with me? Ultimately, it will come down to this: Which option is the lesser hassle? I have a feeling I’ll be asking myself that question a lot as a new father.

Handling a Baby: I’m buying a camcorder, just so I can get used to handling something delicately.

Being Left Alone with the Baby: So far my wife hasn’t expressed an interest in allowing this to happen, but it could. As it stands now, I am utterly and completely dependent on my wife for my meals. And when she’s gone, my personal hygiene nosedives as well. Whenever my wife returns from a long business trip, she arrives home to find me looking like an emaciated Tom Hanks from the movie Castaway.

I really don’t want a similar fate for the baby. And simply to avoid the irony, we’re not going to name the baby “Wilson.”

Reducing My Casual Swearing: Notice the usage of the word “casual.” I’m not intending to make any reduction to my “justifiable” swearing.

Of course, there is some gray area here. The other day, my wife bought a bunch of groceries and crammed them in the fridge. In doing so, a bunch of condiments I use frequently were buried in the back, virtually inaccessible. Ready to make a sandwich, I opened the fridge, realized how much digging I was going to have to do, and I muttered a curse word. Most would consider this an example of “casual” swearing. However, depending on the amount of fridge digging involved, and relative level of hunger, one could make a case that it is “justifiable” swearing. I’ll let you make the call.

The point is this: I don’t want my kid to overhear a casual curse word and run around the living room repeating it ad nauseam simply for shock effect. Someday, I intend to teach my kid how to swear properly, once he is old enough to understand the context for which he is swearing. By my book, when a kid is old enough to understand the concept of someone driving 10 mph below the speed limit, he’s old enough to learn to swear. Needless to say, I’m already clearing mantle space for my Father of the Year trophy.

Baby-proofing the Stairs: Have you seen those little gates that parents install at the tops of staircases to prevent a baby from falling down a flight of stairs? I’m sure my wife will insist on putting one in our house. Sure, the kid might not fall down the stairs… but what about me?

I guarantee there will be a time when my hands will be full, or I’ll simply be too lazy or drunk to bother with unlatching the gate. Instead, I’ll choose to hop over it, invariably catching my foot on the top of the gate, and subsequently killing myself on a violent fall down a flight of stairs.

I’m going to suggest a happy medium here: Forget the gate. Just tether the baby to a heavy piece of furniture. Provide enough slack in the chain to allow him some mobility, but not enough that he can reach the stairs. Everyone wins here.

Baby-proofing the Rest of the House: If you’ve ever visited our home, you know that my wife and I tend to leave things like rat poison and firearms just lying around the living room. We’re going to have put some warning labels on these items.

Getting up in the Middle of the Night: Obviously, this is something I’m not fond of to begin with. And being awoken from a deep slumber to clean up poo makes it much worse. If a violent fall down a flight of stairs could also somehow be incorporated into this equation you’d pretty much have my definition of fatherhood hell.

Taking the Baby on an Airplane: Right now, my biggest fear in boarding a flight is that I’ll be seated next to a crying baby… In a few months, I’ll be doing this intentionally. The only bright side here is that I’ll be a part of the “special needs” group that gets to pre-board every flight ahead of regular passengers.

Of course, there’s a downside to this arrangement. Sure, you get to pre-board… along with some unaccompanied minors, a few senior citizens and maybe a guy on crutches. But is the pre-boarding convenience worth it when you are lumped in with the rest of that dream team? This is the company I’ll keep as a father… and it will probably eventually become my new social circle.

Unfortunately, it gets worse. Nobody seems to mind letting the “special needs” group take their leisurely time pre-boarding the plane. However, that same level of patience isn’t extended when the same group of dinosaurs takes a millennium to simply de-plane. And I’ll be a huge part of the problem. I’ll be the guy holding up the rest of the aisle while I juggle a screaming baby and fumble with all the strollers and diaper bags I’ll have stored in multiple overhead compartments. Everyone else on board will be glaring at me, making pronounced sighs or eyerolls while I bumble around the cabin. I can’t say this strongly enough: I am really looking forward to air travel with a baby.

Having to Come up with a Name: I thought there was anxiety involved with picking out my Gamertag for Xbox Live. Will I be able to find a name as timeless as McSex? The pressure is on.

The Breast Pump: Considering I’m willing to perform this service for free, it’s troubling that my wife wants to spend $300 on a device that will essentially render me obsolete.

Thanksgiving Recap

Thanksgiving is a day that is spent sitting around, watching TV, drinking and gorging oneself to the point of exhaustion. In other words, it is the perfect holiday.

Of course, you can’t just roll out of bed and expect to conquer a day like Thanksgiving. It requires intense preparation. Don’t worry, it’s not about doing one-armed push-ups or sprinting on the beach, or any other feats of strength typically associated with a training montage. For Thanksgiving, there is an inverse training regimen. For instance, you must seize the day by sleeping in. Also, if you were unfortunate enough to have had to work on Thanksgiving Eve, as I was, it’s good to start the morning with a soak in the hot tub to alleviate the “I hate my job” stress residue before starting the day.

This was exactly how my Thanksgiving began. Next, I enjoyed a leisurely breakfast while perusing the ads in the paper. As I mentioned before, I had to work the previous day… so I decided to make the most of my time at the office. Not by actually working, of course, but by spending the day preparing my Christmas list.

Granted, my Christmas list has been a work in progress since July. With the Christmas shopping season kicking off in 24 hours, the Thanksgiving Day ads provided an opportunity to make any last-minute, final touches to my Christmas list before distribution. After all, this isn’t like a tax return… this is the kind of document that warrants careful scrutiny. For instance, what if I failed to specify that I want an additional wirelesscontroller for my Xbox 360? Think about the letdown if I were to unwrap my gifts to find a wired controller. I might have to hang myself with it.

Of course, it’s hard to work on something this important with the distraction of a parade going on in my living room. I’m going on the record here: I don’t see any entertainment value in watching a parade on TV. There isn’t a single aspect that holds my interest for even a second. A giant, inflatable Garfield balloon? A marching band dressed like nutcrackers? And it’s all hosted by Al Roker and Katie Couric? They say that Thanksgiving is a day to remember what we are truly thankful for. In this instance, I’m thankful to have a remote control and 65 other channels.

Unfortunately, I was being summoned to the kitchen. The turkey needed to be cleaned (de-entrailed) before going in the oven. After completing the task, I wanted to throw the entrails and neck into the front yard, figuring the coyotes or Gypsies I see in our neighborhood deserve to have a nice Thanksgiving meal as well. As expected, my wife refused my charitable idea. She simply doesn’t understand the meaning of the holidays.

She called me into the kitchen a few more times throughout the day, whenever the turkey needed to be basted or inspected. As the day wore on, I’d stumble into the kitchen a little drunker than the time before. And each time, my wife was increasingly worried that it would be this time that I’d drop the turkey on the floor or find some other way to ruin the meal. She knew she was tempting fate. I was handling the bird way too much. Strictly by the law of averages, eventually, I’d lose my wedding ring or a Band-Aid in the carcass. It got to the point that she wouldn’t even let me open the can of cranberry sauce, which is typically my lone contribution to the meal.

It was finally mealtime. It was my wife’s first ever attempt at cooking an entire Thanksgiving meal, and she did a fantastic job. Everything turned out great, even the broccoli casserole, which I had my doubts about.

The evening concluded with the flick of a switch. My Christmas lights were on. Of course, they’ve been up on my house for three weeks, but I wasn’t officially allowed to turn them on until after dinner and dessert. And that switch not only signaled the beginning of the Christmas season, but also, and perhaps more importantly, the issuance of a challenge to my neighbors to come up with a more garish way to demonstrate their holiday spirit. Game on.